Entry tags:
Fic: Xander Harris and the Email Forward of Doom
Title: Xander Harris and the Email Forward of Doom
Author: Allyndra
Pairing: Xander/Everyone (Not really. Just Cordelia, Anya, Faith, Spike, and OMC. All by reference to the past)
Rating: R
Spoilers: Through Chosen (does not take comics canon into account)
Disclaimer: It would take a great deal of surgery, some intensive hormone therapy, and a perm to make me into Joss Whedon. These characters aren't mine.
Summary: Spike's been sending around one of those email questionairre things. [Swiped from![[profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
xanzpet who got it from nekid_spike .]
To: hiddensnoopy@hotmail.com
From: xlharris@iwc.org
Subject: FWD: FWD: FWD: Spike's Meme
In the future, guys, please send stuff like this to my gmail account, not to my work email. Some of the stiff-upper-lip types get really snippy about misuse of Council email. Insert eye roll here. (you can even add a second eye for dramatic impact if you like)
1. Name something that you always carry in your pocket/purse.
Okay, I just emptied my pockets to answer this, and now I have a complex. Is it possible for a single man with no children to become a soccer mom? Because I have: a retainer (I rescued it from the trash after the girls had breakfast this morning, and may I say, ewww!), two permission slips for the school trip to the zoo (and if anyone comes home possessed by an animal, they are sleeping in the basement, I swear), one inhaler (I don’t have asthma), approximately seventy-five keys (whose idea was it to put locks on all the bedroom doors, again?), a packet of animal crackers (Danae is hypoglycemic), a cross (okay, that one makes sense), a Leatherman (only amateurs carry Swiss army knives), and a bottle of Gorilla Glue (which is a stone-cold necessity when you have to fix things in a house full of Slayers).
The good news is, if I ever get lost in the wilderness, I’ll be able to build myself a shelter, warm myself with a roaring fire made of old permission slips, and feed myself animal crackers and meat from the game I catch with my cunning house-key bear trap.
2. What is one thing that you have always wanted to do but have never done?
“Always” is a really flexible term. When I was sixteen, I had “always” wanted to sweep Melissa Joan Hart off her feet. When I was nineteen, I had “always” wanted get a place of my own. Right now, I’ve “always” wanted to take a nap without someone (Dawn, I’m looking at you) stealing my Twinkies and comic books while my eyes are closed.
Okay, seriously? I’ve always wanted to go to college. Back when I got out of high school, I figured it was no big, since I didn’t even know what I would major in (Lunch not being an option), but now ... I’d really like to get a degree in architecture. I mean, hey, if Weird Al can do it, so can I. Maybe someday I’ll be the old guy in the back of the room creeping out the co-eds.
3. Have you ever wanted to be someone else? If so, who?
Can I pass on the basis of having too many answers to list? There were large chunks of my life when I would have taken being anyone but me.
4. What do you like to do in your bathroom?
Ahhh, I remember having a bathroom to do stuff in. Just me, myself, and my plumbing fixtures, with nary an eyelash curler in sight. Those were the days.
5. Which was your best kiss ever?
The third time in the janitor’s closet with Cordelia (Buffy? Willow? If you read this, I so don’t need the nagging. Water, bridge, look into it.) We wouldn’t have gotten together if we’d been able to keep our lips off each other, so you get that the chemistry was awesome, right? The first couple of times started out as fights, and then suddenly – Bam! Random kissing! It was crazy. But the third time in the janitor’s closet, Cordy pulled me in there and said blue was a good color on me and just kissed me. No insults, no threats, just lips and tongue and hands ... and I’m stopping now, before I really regret not having a bathroom of my own.
6. If you were to have someone over to your place for a date, which music would you pick and why?
I wouldn’t pick the music. I would ask Giles or Oz to pick the music for me, as they are gods of all things music-y. I can tell you, though, that They Might Be Giants are not the purveyors of fine make-out music you might believe them to be.
7. Can you touch your toes?
Yes. From age nine through twenty-three, I couldn’t, but then Twyla started making me do yoga with her before her bus comes every morning, and now I’m all bendy. Actually, I’ve been thinking about advertising that fact in a personal ad: “Twenty-five year old SWM seeks same for fun and companionship. Is excitingly bendy. Working knowledge of Battlestar Galactica a must.” What do you think?
8. If you were given a pair of handcuffs, who would you cuff and why?
Since the last answer pretty much told you I have no one fun to handcuff ... I would cuff Andrew to the oven and force him to make those caramel turtle brownies. Of course, he’ll do it if I ask nicely, so that’s kind of a waste of handcuffs. Could I just hang onto them in case someone answers my personal ad?
9. What is your biggest regret and why?
Aren’t these quiz things supposed to be fun? Because I’m not feeling the giggles here.
This is going to sound horrible, but I regret Anya. I loved her so much, but we weren’t going to work. I can’t help thinking, if I’d just turned her down when she first showed up with condoms and breasts and all, she’d be alive now. Happy somewhere, with a picket fence and fat children and a rockin’ 401K. I regret loving her and hurting her and, ultimately, killing her.
Is this the last sucky question? Because if I knew there was going to be painful introspection, I would have put on some Patsy Cline and got out a bucket of Chubby Hubby first.
10. What is your kinkiest fantasy?
I’m not sure how you pronounce it, but I believe it’s ménage a trois. One guy and one girl and Xander. I wanna be in the middle.
11. Which famous person would you totally do if given the chance (or have you totally done!)?
Does it have to be one person? I could see myself as the filling in a Gyllenhaal sandwich. (see above fantasy)
12. Have you ever worn anything belonging to a member of the opposite sex?
I had to wear Willow’s gym shirt home one day in junior high when mine got torn in a tragic baking accident. See, I was in Home Ec, and Larry decided that was an affront to his manliness and had to be stopped. In retrospect, his denial was monumental. Epic, even.
I probably wear girl socks half the time. I gave up on sorting months ago, so now everyone gets the same size socks, and we just throw them all in one big basket. No sorting, no folding, just grab two socks out of the communal collection and be on your cottony way.
13. Have you ever been with a member of the same sex?
That summer in Oxnard? There was a guy who taught me some of the dances and stuff. He was really nice, and his idea of proper motivation technique was celebratory blow jobs when I did good. If someone had thought of that in high school, I would have been on the honor roll.
And also, there was that one time when me and Spike got really, really drunk after he caught up with us at the new Council. Does it count if I don’t remember anything, but I woke up naked and covered in stupid-looking hickeys? (Word to the wise: if you make out with a vampire, don’t let him give you hickeys when he’s in game face. Buffy says the same thing.)
14. Have you ever been watched/video-taped during sex? Have you ever watched/video-taped someone else having sex?
No. Anya wanted to, but there wasn’t anyone I trusted not to put the tape on the internet.
15. Have you ever been tied up or tied someone else up?
Spike in my parents’ basement. I still don’t know why he stayed in that chair all night when he could have just broken the rope. And Anya. She kept buying me ties, even though I never wore them, just so we’d have something around I could use to tie her to the headboard. I thought it was subtle, like no one else knew what those ties were for, until I walked in on her explaining proper knotting techniques to Riley one day. I have never seen his face that red.
Um, and also Faith, the night we got really, really drunk after she and Robin broke up. She could have snapped those ropes like ... what’s something weak? ... dental floss, but she didn’t. Which is über hot now that I think of it, but at the time, I felt better having her hands tied down and away from my throat.
16. What is your favourite pet name that you have ever been called and why? Who called you that name?
If anybody laughs, there will be severe retribution, but I like it when the girls call me “Yogi.” It’s because Dawn said I was the Papa Bear, and Kayla said that sounded kinky, so they came up with Yogi instead, as an allusion to bear-ness without the sexual connotations.
It’s just ... it’s nice to have a place that I fit, making a difference in these girls’ lives. And if that makes me a wimp or a soccer mom, I’ll deal, because it also makes me Yogi to a dozen girls I call Booboo as I herd them off to school and drive to the mall and harass about patrolling schedules. I’ll be Yogi for as long as they want to call me that.
17. Where is the craziest place you’ve ever had sex?
You remember the three years with Anya, yes? I guess the craziest place was the swings in the park. Anya had been reading about those sex swings online, and wanted to see if the playground offered a less expensive alternative. The motion was good, but those things are made for asses about seven sizes smaller than mine.
18. If you were popcorn, would you be salty or sweet?
Can’t I be both? Like a salty popcorn with toffee on top. Sweet and salty together is not just for pregnant women anymore.
19. What are your top 3 kinks?
I didn’t realize it, but after answering these questions I now know that I:
A) am a huge slut when drunk. Maybe I should put that in my personal ad.
B) like tying up people who are strong enough to get away but choose not to. (This is a really functional kink, as practically everyone I know is strong enough to break or otherwise get out of any restraints I put on them.)
C) want a threesome. I’ve been thinking about it since question 10, and yeah. That would make Xander a happy boy.
20. Do you carry anything with you in case of impromptu sexual encounters? If so, what?
Holy Water and a cell phone with 911 programmed in for one-touch dialing. If you think that sounds paranoid, you have obviously not been paying attention to my dating record.
That looks like all of the questions. Um, I don’t want to see anyone discussing this on their MySpace pages or printing it out and posting it around town. Remember, I’m the one who pays the cable bill. Cross me at your own risk.
Xander
Author: Allyndra
Pairing: Xander/Everyone (Not really. Just Cordelia, Anya, Faith, Spike, and OMC. All by reference to the past)
Rating: R
Spoilers: Through Chosen (does not take comics canon into account)
Disclaimer: It would take a great deal of surgery, some intensive hormone therapy, and a perm to make me into Joss Whedon. These characters aren't mine.
Summary: Spike's been sending around one of those email questionairre things. [Swiped from
xanzpet who got it from nekid_spike .] To: hiddensnoopy@hotmail.com
From: xlharris@iwc.org
Subject: FWD: FWD: FWD: Spike's Meme
In the future, guys, please send stuff like this to my gmail account, not to my work email. Some of the stiff-upper-lip types get really snippy about misuse of Council email. Insert eye roll here. (you can even add a second eye for dramatic impact if you like)
1. Name something that you always carry in your pocket/purse.
Okay, I just emptied my pockets to answer this, and now I have a complex. Is it possible for a single man with no children to become a soccer mom? Because I have: a retainer (I rescued it from the trash after the girls had breakfast this morning, and may I say, ewww!), two permission slips for the school trip to the zoo (and if anyone comes home possessed by an animal, they are sleeping in the basement, I swear), one inhaler (I don’t have asthma), approximately seventy-five keys (whose idea was it to put locks on all the bedroom doors, again?), a packet of animal crackers (Danae is hypoglycemic), a cross (okay, that one makes sense), a Leatherman (only amateurs carry Swiss army knives), and a bottle of Gorilla Glue (which is a stone-cold necessity when you have to fix things in a house full of Slayers).
The good news is, if I ever get lost in the wilderness, I’ll be able to build myself a shelter, warm myself with a roaring fire made of old permission slips, and feed myself animal crackers and meat from the game I catch with my cunning house-key bear trap.
2. What is one thing that you have always wanted to do but have never done?
“Always” is a really flexible term. When I was sixteen, I had “always” wanted to sweep Melissa Joan Hart off her feet. When I was nineteen, I had “always” wanted get a place of my own. Right now, I’ve “always” wanted to take a nap without someone (Dawn, I’m looking at you) stealing my Twinkies and comic books while my eyes are closed.
Okay, seriously? I’ve always wanted to go to college. Back when I got out of high school, I figured it was no big, since I didn’t even know what I would major in (Lunch not being an option), but now ... I’d really like to get a degree in architecture. I mean, hey, if Weird Al can do it, so can I. Maybe someday I’ll be the old guy in the back of the room creeping out the co-eds.
3. Have you ever wanted to be someone else? If so, who?
Can I pass on the basis of having too many answers to list? There were large chunks of my life when I would have taken being anyone but me.
4. What do you like to do in your bathroom?
Ahhh, I remember having a bathroom to do stuff in. Just me, myself, and my plumbing fixtures, with nary an eyelash curler in sight. Those were the days.
5. Which was your best kiss ever?
The third time in the janitor’s closet with Cordelia (Buffy? Willow? If you read this, I so don’t need the nagging. Water, bridge, look into it.) We wouldn’t have gotten together if we’d been able to keep our lips off each other, so you get that the chemistry was awesome, right? The first couple of times started out as fights, and then suddenly – Bam! Random kissing! It was crazy. But the third time in the janitor’s closet, Cordy pulled me in there and said blue was a good color on me and just kissed me. No insults, no threats, just lips and tongue and hands ... and I’m stopping now, before I really regret not having a bathroom of my own.
6. If you were to have someone over to your place for a date, which music would you pick and why?
I wouldn’t pick the music. I would ask Giles or Oz to pick the music for me, as they are gods of all things music-y. I can tell you, though, that They Might Be Giants are not the purveyors of fine make-out music you might believe them to be.
7. Can you touch your toes?
Yes. From age nine through twenty-three, I couldn’t, but then Twyla started making me do yoga with her before her bus comes every morning, and now I’m all bendy. Actually, I’ve been thinking about advertising that fact in a personal ad: “Twenty-five year old SWM seeks same for fun and companionship. Is excitingly bendy. Working knowledge of Battlestar Galactica a must.” What do you think?
8. If you were given a pair of handcuffs, who would you cuff and why?
Since the last answer pretty much told you I have no one fun to handcuff ... I would cuff Andrew to the oven and force him to make those caramel turtle brownies. Of course, he’ll do it if I ask nicely, so that’s kind of a waste of handcuffs. Could I just hang onto them in case someone answers my personal ad?
9. What is your biggest regret and why?
Aren’t these quiz things supposed to be fun? Because I’m not feeling the giggles here.
This is going to sound horrible, but I regret Anya. I loved her so much, but we weren’t going to work. I can’t help thinking, if I’d just turned her down when she first showed up with condoms and breasts and all, she’d be alive now. Happy somewhere, with a picket fence and fat children and a rockin’ 401K. I regret loving her and hurting her and, ultimately, killing her.
Is this the last sucky question? Because if I knew there was going to be painful introspection, I would have put on some Patsy Cline and got out a bucket of Chubby Hubby first.
10. What is your kinkiest fantasy?
I’m not sure how you pronounce it, but I believe it’s ménage a trois. One guy and one girl and Xander. I wanna be in the middle.
11. Which famous person would you totally do if given the chance (or have you totally done!)?
Does it have to be one person? I could see myself as the filling in a Gyllenhaal sandwich. (see above fantasy)
12. Have you ever worn anything belonging to a member of the opposite sex?
I had to wear Willow’s gym shirt home one day in junior high when mine got torn in a tragic baking accident. See, I was in Home Ec, and Larry decided that was an affront to his manliness and had to be stopped. In retrospect, his denial was monumental. Epic, even.
I probably wear girl socks half the time. I gave up on sorting months ago, so now everyone gets the same size socks, and we just throw them all in one big basket. No sorting, no folding, just grab two socks out of the communal collection and be on your cottony way.
13. Have you ever been with a member of the same sex?
That summer in Oxnard? There was a guy who taught me some of the dances and stuff. He was really nice, and his idea of proper motivation technique was celebratory blow jobs when I did good. If someone had thought of that in high school, I would have been on the honor roll.
And also, there was that one time when me and Spike got really, really drunk after he caught up with us at the new Council. Does it count if I don’t remember anything, but I woke up naked and covered in stupid-looking hickeys? (Word to the wise: if you make out with a vampire, don’t let him give you hickeys when he’s in game face. Buffy says the same thing.)
14. Have you ever been watched/video-taped during sex? Have you ever watched/video-taped someone else having sex?
No. Anya wanted to, but there wasn’t anyone I trusted not to put the tape on the internet.
15. Have you ever been tied up or tied someone else up?
Spike in my parents’ basement. I still don’t know why he stayed in that chair all night when he could have just broken the rope. And Anya. She kept buying me ties, even though I never wore them, just so we’d have something around I could use to tie her to the headboard. I thought it was subtle, like no one else knew what those ties were for, until I walked in on her explaining proper knotting techniques to Riley one day. I have never seen his face that red.
Um, and also Faith, the night we got really, really drunk after she and Robin broke up. She could have snapped those ropes like ... what’s something weak? ... dental floss, but she didn’t. Which is über hot now that I think of it, but at the time, I felt better having her hands tied down and away from my throat.
16. What is your favourite pet name that you have ever been called and why? Who called you that name?
If anybody laughs, there will be severe retribution, but I like it when the girls call me “Yogi.” It’s because Dawn said I was the Papa Bear, and Kayla said that sounded kinky, so they came up with Yogi instead, as an allusion to bear-ness without the sexual connotations.
It’s just ... it’s nice to have a place that I fit, making a difference in these girls’ lives. And if that makes me a wimp or a soccer mom, I’ll deal, because it also makes me Yogi to a dozen girls I call Booboo as I herd them off to school and drive to the mall and harass about patrolling schedules. I’ll be Yogi for as long as they want to call me that.
17. Where is the craziest place you’ve ever had sex?
You remember the three years with Anya, yes? I guess the craziest place was the swings in the park. Anya had been reading about those sex swings online, and wanted to see if the playground offered a less expensive alternative. The motion was good, but those things are made for asses about seven sizes smaller than mine.
18. If you were popcorn, would you be salty or sweet?
Can’t I be both? Like a salty popcorn with toffee on top. Sweet and salty together is not just for pregnant women anymore.
19. What are your top 3 kinks?
I didn’t realize it, but after answering these questions I now know that I:
A) am a huge slut when drunk. Maybe I should put that in my personal ad.
B) like tying up people who are strong enough to get away but choose not to. (This is a really functional kink, as practically everyone I know is strong enough to break or otherwise get out of any restraints I put on them.)
C) want a threesome. I’ve been thinking about it since question 10, and yeah. That would make Xander a happy boy.
20. Do you carry anything with you in case of impromptu sexual encounters? If so, what?
Holy Water and a cell phone with 911 programmed in for one-touch dialing. If you think that sounds paranoid, you have obviously not been paying attention to my dating record.
That looks like all of the questions. Um, I don’t want to see anyone discussing this on their MySpace pages or printing it out and posting it around town. Remember, I’m the one who pays the cable bill. Cross me at your own risk.
Xander