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Fic: Sometimes a Cigar Xander/Riley 2/2
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Riley was pretty sure he didn't need as much sleep as he'd been getting. He tested his hypothesis by drinking massive amounts of energy drinks and by not going to bed at night. It was kind of fun, actually. He hadn't made a concerted effort to stay up all night in years; once he had outgrown having a bedtime, staying up had lost its attraction.
Late night television wasn't the same, Riley found, flipping through channels at three in the morning. It was too similar to regular daytime programming now, full of Baywatch reruns and old episodes of Behind the Music. He missed sneaking out of his room in the middle of the night to goggle at Piranha Women in the Avocado Jungle of Death or wish he was old enough to buy his own Amazing Food Dehydrator for three easy payments.
He couldn't avoid sleeping all together. When he dropped off in the middle of Def Leppard's rise to fame, he found himself wrapped in strong, warm arms, cradled against a broad chest with gentle hands stroking his hair. He woke feeling comforted and groggily resentful that his dream Xander was so willing to give him what he needed. It didn't make it any easier for Riley to put the man out of his head.
Buffy didn't help, either. She had decreed a double date night with Xander and Anya. It was strange, sitting with the woman he was dating and the man he was dreaming about in a musty basement. Riley trained his attention on Buffy, determined not to give up on her yet, determined to show Xander that Riley wasn't obsessed with him. The fact that that thought wouldn't even occur to the Xander of the waking world didn't deter him. Riley slid his hands along Buffy's narrow shoulders, pressing his thumbs into the tight muscles of her neck. She responded to his ministrations so enthusiastically, Riley had to wonder if she was putting on as much of a show as he was.
When Xander's parents started shouting and crashing around upstairs, Riley didn't know what to do. His family was so far from that - the anger he was hearing, the suggestion that this was a common occurrence - that he had trouble understanding it. Intellectually, he knew that plenty of violent families and abusive relationships existed right here in Sunnydale. Emotionally, it was a shock. He wanted to hold Xander and tell him that it wasn't his fault, that he deserved better. Fortunately, the girls' presence kept him from making a fool out of himself. Dream Xander would have welcomed his comfort, but Riley couldn't predict how the real Xander would react.
Buffy led the escape from Xander's basement soon after the Harrises' vocal arrival upstairs, but she kept scheduling activities with Xander. Riley didn't remember spending this much time with Buffy's friends before he'd developed this new and interesting fixation, but he couldn't think of a good excuse to cry off. Instead, he poured himself into being Buffy's boyfriend, growing more and more aware that it felt like playing a part.
When he came face to face with two separate Xanders the next night, the act fell away and all Riley could do was stare. A pair of Xanders would have been fascinating under any circumstances, but now ... He studied their similarities and differences while Willow and Giles worked on a way to reunite them. Physically, they were identical - matching crooked grins, warm, dark eyes, broad shoulders. The differences were most apparent in their personalities.
One Xander was goofy and clumsy, nervous and slightly defensive. Riley was familiar with this side of Xander from countless Scooby meetings, movie nights, and patrols. He had foolishly, shallowly, assumed that this was who Xander really was. The other Xander proved that assumption wrong. He had an easy confidence and tact, knowing what to say to get what he wanted and needed. He was more like Riley's dream Xander than he'd thought possible. Riley wanted them both.
He watched their hands as the two Xanders talked and joked together, wondering what it would be like to feel all those hands on his bodies. To feel two mouths kissing and nibbling, working him over in tandem. Riley hoped he would find out when he went to sleep that night.
Buffy perched on the arm of his chair, startling Riley out of his fantasies. He flushed guiltily as he looked at her, worried that his thoughts might show on his face. He wasn't comforted when she smiled at him tiredly. He knew, even if she didn't. He wasn't just enduring his nighttime visitations; he was hoping for them, planning them. It might not be happening while he was awake, but he was cheating on Buffy.
Riley was still struggling over his new perception of his reactions to Xander when Buffy called him to help Xander move. He went along meekly, doing his best to stay out of Xander's way. Unfortunately, there were only the three of them packing and moving, so keeping a low profile wasn't a terribly realistic goal. He ended up alone in the basement with Xander, trying not to look like he was desperately seeking an escape route.
"So," Riley said uncomfortably, loading another box, "Where's Anya? I thought she'd be all gung ho for the move."
Xander stilled. "We ... we kinda broke up. 'Kinda' meaning definitely, totally broke up."
Riley stared at him, meeting Xander's eyes for the first time all day. "Why? I thought you were good together," he protested.
"In some ways we were. I mean, clearly we got along fine in bed, and we had fun together. But emotionally we were so not on the same page. If our relationship was the world book encyclopedia, I was over on 'Aardvark through Absinthe' and she was way down around Zimbabwe. We didn't want the same things. And," he swallowed and looked down, "I never really felt like she wanted *me*. I didn't want to be what she settled for."
Riley blinked. He grabbed a random knick-knack from the table and stuffed it in his box. "When?" His voice came out high, and Riley had to clear his throat. "When did this happen? You were just together."
"The smooth half of me did more than just get promoted," Xander answered wryly. "I don't know if I ever would have broken up with her otherwise. I didn't think I was going to find someone I connected with better than Anya, so I was willing to stay. Love the one you're with, right? Well, Smooth Xander thought different."
"That's so weird!" Riley exclaimed, shaking his head. "Are you okay with that? Do you ... do you want her back?"
Xander added a few more things to his box. "No," he said simply. "I wouldn't have done it, but I'm relieved that it's done. Besides," he added, hoisting the box in his arms, "She deserves better than me." He headed up the stairs with his load.
Riley stared after him, disagreeing fervently. He wasn't sure there *was* anyone better than him.
***
Xander squirmed against him, pinned against the wall by Riley's greater bulk. His mouth was hot and desperate, kissing him with lips and tongue and teeth. Riley ground his hips against Xander's, sliding a knee between Xander's legs for better leverage. He held Xander's face in his hands, stroking his thumbs over the stubbled flesh of his jaw. Nothing made him feel more alive than this.
Xander's hands worked under Riley's shirt, skating over his back and sides, dipping into the narrow gap at the back of his pants to tease at the top of his ass. His hands wormed their way around to the front of Riley's pants, where they fumbled with his belt and buttons. For a moment, Riley went with it, leaning his body away to give Xander room to work. Then he remembered: There was something he'd been meaning to do.
Riley raised his head with a gasp. "No," he said, shoving Xander's hands away.
Xander raised his eyebrows. "No?" he asked incredulously. "Are you feeling okay? I thought the flush was from making out, but maybe you've got a fever."
Riley grinned and shook his head. "I'm fine. I just wanted to ... try something."
"Try what? Breaking the record on blue balls?" Xander demanded, rolling his hips so Riley could feel how hard he was.
"No, I wanted to give you a blow job." His voice sank as he said it, and Riley dropped his head to Xander's shoulder to hide the flush staining his cheeks.
"Oh! Okay, that's ... I'm definitely okay with that."
Riley raised his head. His face was still hot, but he gave Xander a saucy grin. "I thought you might be," he said. He pulled out of Xander's arms, and dropped carefully to his knees. He popped the button on Xander's jeans and tugged down the zipper, not quite slow enough to tease, but not as quickly as he wanted to, either. He let his fingers trail back up to Xander's waistband and eased it down, pulling Xander's boxers down at the same time. He forgot to pull them away from Xander's body, and he caught Xander's cock on the way down.
"Oops," he said, trying not to giggle at the way it bounced. Xander gave him a mock glare and impatiently shoved his jeans and boxers down around his calves. Riley found himself suddenly face to face with Xander's cock. It shouldn't have been a surprise; he'd seen it before, after all, and his plan wouldn't work very well without getting up close and personal with that particular body part. Still, it was different, seeing it from this angle. It looked bigger from down here, for one thing. Riley slid his hand around Xander's shaft, angling it so he could choose his approach.
The head was right there, smooth and flushed and damp, so Riley licked it. Xander's cock twitched in response, and Riley smiled, delightedly. He ran his tongue over and around the head, learning the shape and taste, certain he'd never forget this. Xander groaned when he pointed his tongue and pressed it against the slit, so he did that again.
A quick glance up showed Xander standing with his face flushed and his eyes closed, hands fisted by his sides. Riley felt ... powerful. There was something intensely empowering about giving this much pleasure to another person, knowing that he was the one creating these sensations.
Riley opened his mouth and let the head of Xander's cock sink inside. His lips pulled a bit as he tried to take him deeper, so he pulled back and circled it with his tongue again and again, getting it wet and slippery. When he tried again, it slid in much easier, and Riley hummed his approval.
"Oh, God!" Xander groaned. Riley would have smiled if his mouth weren't otherwise occupied. He moved lower, until his lips brushed the hand that was still wrapped around the shaft, then pulled back. The next time he tried it, he added suction.
It was good. The amazingly smooth, round fullness of Xander's cock against his tongue, brushing the roof of his mouth. The hard length filling his hand and mouth. It wasn't perfect; Riley's lips weren't used to doing this much work, and his jaw was starting to get sore. That didn't seem to matter much though. Not as much as the power and joy of making Xander feel wonderful, the lust of hearing him reduced to moans above him.
When Xander came, Riley wasn't ready for it. He swallowed in self defense, grimacing at the taste. It wasn't horrible, but he wouldn't exactly be wanting it on his ice cream any time soon. He suckled gently for one more moment, then pulled off and sank back on his heels. Licking his lips, Riley looked up to get Xander's reaction.
"You are so amazing," Xander said, his voice husky from the sex and gentle from the love shining in his eyes. He toed off his shoes and shimmied the rest of the way out of his pants. Lowering himself unsteadily to the floor, Xander shoved Riley flat on his back. "You didn’t have to do that," he said, wrapping his arms around Riley.
"I wanted to," Riley protested, wriggling to gain some friction on his erection.
"Good." Xander shifted his hands to Riley's hips and pressed them to the floor. "Hold still," he ordered, "I want to try something."
Riley grinned until he couldn't hold back the gasps of pleasure anymore.
Riley resisted waking with all his strength, wishing a dream was solid enough to grab onto. Instead, it slipped away despite his efforts, and he was left awake in his bed, aching and alone. He wanted to take his erection in hand and relive the dream until he came, but he didn't. He'd make a promise to himself that as long as he was still with Buffy, he wasn't going to get off to thoughts of Xander. Since Buffy had been too worried about hurting him to come near him in bed, Riley hadn't had an orgasm in well over a week. If his conscience hadn't already been prompting Riley to break up with her, his dick would have.
Riley had been terrified of being put under by Initiative doctors. His history with the Initiative made him distrust them, but, more than that, he hadn't wanted the results of the operation. He didn't want to be relegated to the ordinary-therefore-useless category. Since he'd begun dreaming about Xander, he'd paid a lot more attention to the way the other man was treated on patrols. Riley didn't want to be protected like Xander was. He didn't want to be ignored.
Riley had half-hoped Buffy would dump him after his operation. She had the excuse that he'd been hiding things from her and that he couldn't keep up with her. More importantly, it would have meant that Riley didn't have to break up with *her*. Unfortunately, she'd been sweet and understanding, and Riley was stuck with a beautiful girl friend he no longer wanted.
He walked to the Magic Box that night, taking his time to prolong his discussion with Buffy. When he got there, he walked straight into a dispute. Riley didn't know the people standing antagonistically at the front of the store, and he didn't know what the argument was about, so he ducked to the side and watched.
Once again, Riley was struck with that feeling of unreality that people he knew had families like this. He saw the sympathy and anger in the faces of Buffy and her friends, empathy in Xander's. A bitter, sluggish resentment roiled in Riley's stomach. He hated that he couldn't fix this. Tara was such a sweet person, quietly loving Willow and offering her support. She didn't deserve to be hurt by her own family. Buffy was magnificent. Riley watched her stand up to the Maclays and ached at the thought of giving her up.
When the drama was over and the Maclay family banished, Willow swept her girlfriend away to comfort her, and Xander and Spike went off to their separate homes. Buffy and Giles were left, and Riley approached them uncertainly.
"Buffy? Can I talk to you?" he asked. She must have seen something in his face, because her smile muted to something less vibrant.
"Okay. Let's use the training room," she agreed, leading the way.
Once he had her alone, Riley didn't know where to start. He had actually rehearsed his speech, planning exactly what he wanted to say, but now it all seemed ridiculous. He realized he was rubbing his hands together and stuffed them in his pocket to stop himself.
He couldn't look at Buffy, so he stared up at the ceiling. "You are an incredible woman," he began. "You're smart and strong and beautiful. And you're nice, too. You don't know how rare that its, to be all those things at the same time. I don't want to lose you. But I - I don't think we should be together anymore, either."
"You're saying you want to just be friends?" she asked skeptically.
Riley let his gaze fall until he was looking at her face. "There's no 'just' about it. I don't have very many friends right now. What you did tonight ... that was amazing. I want to be your friend, to be a part of your life like that. I know 'Let's be friends' is a cliché, but I mean it."
Buffy nodded, but her face crumpled sadly. "What happened? I thought you loved me. I love you," she said defiantly.
"You love me, but it's ... it's either not enough, or it's not in the right way." Riley shook his head, trying to organize his thoughts. "If you loved me the way I need, you would have noticed that you're shutting me out. I come in fourth in your life, after your family and your Slaying and your friends."
She crossed her arms and stepped closer. "So this is my fault?" she challenged.
"No! That's not what I'm saying. I don't love you right, either. If I did, I would appreciate you without resenting how much stronger you are than I am. I really ... I know I don't deserve you. I'm just saying, maybe you don't deserve me either." Riley shrugged helplessly.
"Is there somebody else?" Buffy asked. The fact that it was the classic, soap opera question didn't make it funny, especially when it came out in such a small, hurt voice.
Riley pulled a hand from his pocket to rub the back of his neck. "That's the other thing." he said slowly. "I think I might be kind of gay."
"Oh my God!" she breathed, staring at him unbelievingly. She turned away from him, and Riley felt something clench inside him, a hurt and rejection he hadn't been prepared for. Then she glanced back over her shoulder and said, "Aren't you coming? I don't know if I'll be able to do this friend thing, but if I'm gonna try, this conversation needs brownies."
Riley hurried to catch up, letting himself hope they would be okay.
***
The park was glowing in the autumn sun, and usually Riley would have taken advantage of it on the track or the basketball court. Today he just wandered, though, mingling with the people walking their dogs, smiling at the old lady feeding the ducks. He wound up on a bench near the playground, watching the kids. One group of boys was trying to climb the long, slippery slide instead of using the ladder. A couple of girls were taking turns pushing each other on the swings. One tiny child sat in the sand, building something complicated involving leaves and twigs. Riley propped his chin on his hand and his elbow on his knee and watched.
He hadn't been consciously expecting Xander, but he wasn't surprised when a long body slid onto the bench next to him. Xander's arm wormed its way around Riley's shoulder.
"Whatchya thinking?" Xander asked, tilting his head so it leaned against Riley's.
"I always knew I was going to be a dad someday," Riley said, his eyes fixed on the little boy on the sand. "It wasn't a question, I *was* going to be a dad. And now ..."
"Now you're dating someone without fallopian tubes, and it's making you think?" Xander suggested.
Riley shrugged noncommittally. "I feel like I've lost something. Like I'm saying goodbye to the kids I would have had."
Xander started shaking, the motion translating down his arm to jostle Riley. Riley looked over and saw that the bastard was *laughing*. "This isn't funny," Riley growled, jerking out of his grasp and walking away.
Xander sobered quickly. "I'm sorry," he said, catching up with Riley. "I'm really, really sorry. It's just, I've already had the gay, children-having conversation once today. Am I putting out some kind of pheromone? Never mind." He held up his hand. "I am the non-laughing, serious Xander here for your conversing pleasure. Go ahead."
Riley let himself be mollified. "Who else did you have the conversation with?" he asked, half curious, half irritated that somebody beat him to it.
"Willow. She was doing the girl in love thing- you know, where they plan the wedding and think of possible names for their future children? Well, it just hit her that neither she nor her significant other has sperm."
"Hence the conversation." Riley nodded.
"Hence the conversation," Xander agreed. "But it makes things super easy for us. I told Will I would donate the little swimmers, and either she or Tara would carry the baby. I bet you dollars to donuts one of them knows a spell to guarantee twins. They could carry one for them and one for us."
Riley snapped his fingers. "Just like that?"
"Just like that. Don't you love dating a guy with witchy friends who want to have his baby?" Xander asked with a crooked grin.
"When you say it like that you make it sound so *dirty*," Riley protested.
"You like dirty," Xander accused. He hooked his fingers through Riley's belt loops and dragged him closer. "Admit it."
Riley looked down at Xander, drinking in the happiness in his dark brown eyes, the way his mouth stretched wider than it should have been able to. "I'm not going to admit anything in the middle of the park," he said.
Xander released him. "Spoilsport," he snorted. "Race you to my place, then." He was running before he even finished the sentence. He didn't have a hope of beating Riley, who still worked out every morning. Riley kept his pace down, staying a few feet in front of Xander, just enough to taunt the other man into making occasional attempts to overtake him. They arrived at Xander's apartment breathless and laughing, stumbling over one another in an attempt to get inside first.
"I win," Riley declared. "What's my prize?"
"You can have anything you want," Xander promised, shaking the hair back out of his face.
"Anything?" Riley knew what he wanted. He pulled Xander to the bedroom and started yanking clothes off of them both, scattering them on the floor. He pushed his laughing, naked Xander down on the bed and scrambled for the bedside drawer where Xander usually kept supplies.
"In a hurry?" Xander asked, propping himself up on his elbows and eyeing Riley with amusement.
"You said I could have anything I want. I want you," Riley said, pulling lube and condoms out of the drawer.
"Really?" Xander squeaked. Riley nodded, and Xander shivered. "Yeah, okay."
Riley arranged Xander on the bed, positioning a pillow under his ass and spreading his legs wide to allow Riley access. Xander didn't protest, watching Riley the whole time with eyes nearly gone black. Once he had Xander just how he wanted him, Riley sat back on his haunches to admire the picture he made. Smooth, golden skin, spread out just for Riley, the muscles on his stomach tensing in anticipation - Xander was gorgeous.
Riley opened a condom and set it near Xander's foot. He slicked the fingers of his right hand and set them at the very tip of Xander's cock. He let them trail down, all the way to the base and over his balls. Then he did it again, this time moving lower to caress the delicate skin behind Xander's balls. Over and over, he slid his hand down, reaching lower until each pass took him over Xander's puckered opening.
"You're trying to kill me, aren't you? You're still mad at me for laughing, and this is your revenge," Xander panted out. Riley looked up to see dazed lust in Xander's face.
"Oh, this isn't revenge. This is a reward," Riley promised, circling one slippery finger around and around Xander's entrance, letting it dip inside the tiniest bit. Xander was paying attention, because the next time Riley's finger entered him, Xander shifted his hips to draw it in farther.
"Now who's in a hurry?" Riley taunted. He pushed his finger in to the tight heat of Xander's body and dragged it back out. He was entranced by the sight of it, his finger disappearing into Xander again and again. He started twisting his finger on each thrust, and Xander made a sound Riley had never heard before. Soon he had two fingers scissoring Xander open. The sight of it was still erotic, but now the purpose was starting to press on Riley, the idea that he was opening Xander up so he could fuck him. Riley had to close his eyes.
After three fingers, neither of them was willing to wait anymore. Riley fumbled on the condom and coated his length with more lube, then crouched between Xander's thighs. "Here goes nothing," Riley muttered, lining him up to push in.
Xander snorted with laughter at Riley's comment, but the sound transformed into a breathy moan as Riley entered him. Xander bit his lip and bore down, and Riley felt himself gliding in deeper. The breath caught in his throat, but he didn't care if he never breathed again as long as he could keep feeling this.
There was an incredible dichotomy to having sex with a Xander that Riley had never felt with a woman. Xander's cock was so hard, but the skin was so soft at the same time; it was startling. It was the same inside him. Xander gripped tight, tight, tight, but he felt so smooth. He was all hard muscles and yielding acceptance and Riley didn't think he would ever get enough.
They were too close to the edge to build a rhythm. A few strokes pushed Riley over, whimpering because he didn't want it to end. Xander wrapped his legs around Riley's waist and held him inside, gripping his own cock and jerking himself to completion. When he came, Xander's body clenched and spasmed around Riley, and Riley swore to himself that next time he would hold off his orgasm until he could feel that again.
Riley pulled out reluctantly and threw away the condom, grabbing a shirt off the floor to clean Xander off with. Throwing the soiled shirt in the corner, he climbed back on the bed and curled his body around Xander's.
"You're the best prize I ever won," Riley whispered into Xander's hair.
When Riley woke up, he wasn't at all surprised by how sated and happy he felt. He threw his dirty boxers in the laundry hamper and started his shower, letting himself replay the dream as he washed. Once he was dressed, he grabbed his books and headed off for his ethics seminar.
When his seminar let out, Riley spotted Willow sitting by herself on a bench in the quad. He strolled over, still feeling confident and relaxed, and plopped down next to her.
"Hey, Riley!" she said with a smile. Riley smiled back; he'd always liked Willow, and he was grateful she hadn't seen the need to bludgeon him with a shovel.
"What's up?" Riley asked, peeking over her shoulder at her notebook. He'd expected to see pages of color coded class notes, but instead he saw lists of names, written in curly handwriting. "Kaylen, Morgan, *Sorscha*? The poor little thing would get your hair instead of Xander's, and then she'd never be able to watch Willow without being teased."
Willow's hand shot out to cover the page, and she stared at him, aghast. "Xander told you?" she asked, her voice approaching registers heard only by animals. "I'm going to kill him so dead he'll envy zombies."
Riley's eyes widened and his jaw dropped. "No! Don't kill him. He ... oh God! He didn't tell me."
"Nice try, but you can't protect a weasel from his fate." She stuffed the notebook in her bag and started to stand, but Riley grabbed onto her arm and didn't let go.
"He really didn't tell me," he insisted, swallowing hard. "I-I dreamed about it." Willow sat back down with a plunk.
"Tell me about it," she said. He'd heard of it, but he'd never had the resolve face aimed at him before, so he was unprepared for the force of it. He told her. He managed to edit out the more explicit details, but he told Willow all of it.
"They aren't like other dreams," he explained. "You know, usually you see you Cousin Barbara, and she lives in a tree house, but it has your bedroom in it, and when she turns into Bob Dylan, it all makes sense?" Willow nodded. "These aren't like that. I'm just me and Xander's just Xander. It's this world, and nothing changes into anything. The only difference is," he paused and squinched his eyes shut, "we're in love."
"Wow." Riley opened his eyes and looked at her, waiting for more. "What?" she demanded, "I think 'Wow' pretty much covers it."
"Yeah," he agreed with a sigh.
Willow pulled the notebook back out and turned to a blank page. "We need to figure this out. For one thing, it's having consequences on your life. And for another thing," she looked at him seriously, "This is like eavesdropping."
"I didn't know it was real," he said defensively. "I thought I heard about Jesse some other time and just remembered it, and I figured I made up the rest."
"Well, you didn't. Now that you know you're eavesdropping on Xander's mind, you have to try to stop." She nodded in agreement with her own comment.
Riley nodded miserably. He didn't really want to stop it.
***
Riley lived the next few days in fearful anticipation, certain Willow was going to let something slip about Riley and his dreams. He wasn't worried she wouldn't find a cure; she was Willow. She *would* find a cure. He just didn't want one.
Riley spent a lot of time napping, trying to build up as many dream memories as he could. They were good. They were so good that when he finally had a message on his machine telling him to call Willow back, he almost erased it instead.
But she'd been right. He couldn't keep this up, spying on Xander's mind, even if his spying did come with great sex. So he gathered his courage and went to Willow and Tara's room.
"Hi!" Willow said, greeting him with a beaming smile. "Come in. Are you okay? You look worried. Don't be worried; I promise everything will be fine." He let Willow lead him in and push him down on the rug, babbling the whole time.
Once they were seated, Willow took a deep breath and got herself under control. "I think I figured it out. You remember the chip Professor Walsh put in you?" She shook her head. "That's a stupid question. Of course you remember. Anyway, she was mixing magic and science in really groundbreaking ways. I wish she hadn't been such a complete psycho, 'cause now I can't admire her properly. It would be like praising Hitler for his leadership skills. So, she was messing with your heart. Physiologically, the heart pumps blood, but spiritually, the heart is the source of emotional strength, the well of love and compassion."
Willow paused, and Riley nodded to show he was following along. "When we were fighting Adam, we did a spell to unite the four of us. I was the spirit. Xander was the heart. I think ... I think that it might be because Buffy and Professor Walsh both cared about you, but somehow the magic Professor Walsh put into you reacted to the huge amounts of power in our spell. This, these dreams, are a side effect."
"So it's just an accident?" Riley whispered. He didn't know what he'd hoped to hear. Maybe that he and Xander were soulmates, and the dreams were a mystical guidebook. Something more encouraging than 'side effect,' anyway.
"An accident," Willow repeated. "But the good news is, since I cast the original spell, I should be able to fix this." She hopped up and fetched a small bag, then returned to his side. She started pulling herbs and cards from the bag and arranging them on the rug.
"Wait! Now?" Riley asked, feeling panicked.
Willow's hands stilled, and she looked at him sympathetically. "The sooner the better, Riley," she told him.
"Okay. Okay."
It happened quickly. Too quickly, considering how these dreams had dominated his life for months. When she was finished, Willow asked Riley if he wanted some tea, but he only wanted to leave.
Riley walked. He didn't have a destination in mind, but he found himself headed for the Magic Box out of sheer force of habit. He saw Xander stepping out onto the street and would have turned away if Xander hadn't already spotted him.
"Riley! Hey, man, I haven't seen you lately," Xander called out, walking toward him.
"Yeah, sorry," Riley muttered as Xander came to stand in front of him.
"Um, so Buffy says you wanted to be friends, and I-I was hoping that went for the rest of us, too." Xander looked vulnerable, fidgeting with his hands and looking up at Riley through his lashes. Riley wanted to tell him no. No, he did not want to be just friends with him.
Xander gave an odd little nod, like he was encouraging himself, and went on, "I was wondering if you wanted to hang out some time. We could ... I don't know. You could try to teach me how to play basketball. Do you want to?"
Riley went still, thinking about what he wanted to do. "Do I want to? I want to *go* out with you some time," he said, supremely aware of the difference between his phrasing and Xander's. "Will you go out with me?" He felt shaky and open and very, very scared. It really sucked.
"Like, like a date?" Xander asked, half laughing, preparing himself to hear that he'd misunderstood.
"Yeah," Riley confirmed, looking down at his shoes. "We might be on the same page. About stuff."
"Huh. That's really unexpected." Riley risked a look and saw that Xander seemed stunned. Then that crooked grin Riley loved broke out over his face. "You know what? 'Unexpected' is my middle name. Well, it's not, but it's better than my middle name. Um, we could try it out."
"Really?" Riley asked, already beaming.
"Really," Xander confirmed.
***
When Riley kissed Xander for the first time, at the end of their date, he was so nervous he almost blew it. Their noses bumped together, and the both went left at the same time. Once they finally got coordinated, though, Riley knew this was what he wanted. It was brand new and awkward, and he didn't know where to put his hands, but Xander tasted just like he remembered.
He dreamed about that kiss all night long.
no subject
Okay, third time is the charm, right?
Oh, Riley's lament at modern late-night television strikes a chord in my heart! I, too, *desperately* wanted my own food dehydrator. Curse my inability to obtain one! I would have used it too. I really like that the dreams are about more than sex, that Xander can just cuddle up with him and give him comfort.
Double Xanders! Yet another canon moment that I'll never get tired of seeing again :D Riley's fantasizing about them is delicious, and yay for him beginning to actively look forward to the dreams, but what I really, really love is that he feels guilty and thinks of it as cheating. This is so very Riley, and makes me fall in love with him all over again, because he's such a *good* guy, you know?
Hee, encyclopedia metaphor! For some reason, this just sounds very Xander to me. And I like how you handled the Xander/Anya breakup... I could see it happening like that.
Xander squirmed against him, pinned against the wall by Riley's greater bulk. His mouth was hot and desperate, kissing him with lips and tongue and teeth. Riley ground his hips against Xander's, sliding a knee between Xander's legs for better leverage. He held Xander's face in his hands, stroking his thumbs over the stubbled flesh of his jaw. Nothing made him feel more alive than this.
and
Riley opened his mouth and let the head of Xander's cock sink inside. His lips pulled a bit as he tried to take him deeper, so he pulled back and circled it with his tongue again and again, getting it wet and slippery. When he tried again, it slid in much easier, and Riley hummed his approval.
Oh my, with the hotness. Very nicely done. I will say that while I *like* that it isn't perfect, I think it's a bit *too* clumsy maybe... the awkwardness seemed a littler bit forced/heavyhanded to me. I tend to be kind of picky about sex scenes, so your other readers might have been fine with it... I just thought you'd appreciate the feedback. Riley stifling his waking arousal was very real, and the reasons behind it read true. I like how you've presented his side of the failing relationship. And this:
Unfortunately, she'd been sweet and understanding, and Riley was stuck with a beautiful girl friend he no longer wanted.
Yeah :( I have to say, the way that you've made Riley/Buffy *real* for me is nothing short of amazing. I never really saw it on-screen, I just didn't feel any chemistry between them, and that feeling tends to bleed over into fic where they are a (side) pairing. That fact that you can not only make it ring true, but make it appealing, make my heart break a little because there are insurmountable problems and there is no choice but for their relationship to crumble... it's a great compliment to your skill in writing them. You make me believe that in other circumstances, their love could have been true and lasting and part of a relationship that was good for both of them.
Ha, I *hope* you won't take this wrong, because I'm not sure if you did it deliberately. But I love that Riley is so *bad* at breaking up with Buffy. It's so very clear that he thinks he's handling it very carefully and that he's probably practiced exactly what he wants to say and how he should say it... but I'm watching it and going, "Wow, guys *really* never know how to break up with someone, do they?" and laughing. I'm... not entirely happy with that scene, and having a hard time pinning down exactly why. It doesn't seem to flow naturally (to me), and I'm not sure that if it's because Buffy and Riley are disjointed in their interaction or if I'm unhappy with Buffy's voice here, but I get a little jarred when it switches from one to the other. And aww, Riley is totally the guy that would want to still be friends, and not just in a "wave when you see each other" way.
And... "That's the other thing." he said slowly. "I think I might be kind of gay."? I love that line, and can vividly *see* him in this moment. Hee! Riley, you are so adorable!
Re: Okay, third time is the charm, right?
I, too, *desperately* wanted my own food dehydrator. I based Riley's late night TV viewing entirely on my own youth, when I dreamed about the joys of making my own beef jerky and fruit rollups.
I tend to be kind of picky about sex scenes, so your other readers might have been fine with it... I just thought you'd appreciate the feedback. I do appreciate the feedback. I feel that my sex scenes are getting better over time, but still lacking whatever it is that makes for truly great, story-appropriate smut. So I definitely appreciate constructive criticism that could lead to improvement.
I have to say, the way that you've made Riley/Buffy *real* for me is nothing short of amazing. Thank you! I regretted Riley and Buffy's breakup in a way that I didn't regret Angel leaving. At the point where it ended, Buffy and Riley were both hurting, and the relationship was really unhealthy, but if they had made different choices, they could have been great. For this story, I tried to get them out of that extremely negative place while still getting them to a break-up point. Because, while Buffy deserves love, I don't think she deserves Riley as much as Xander does. :o)
I'm... not entirely happy with that scene, and having a hard time pinning down exactly why. When I wrote this story, I worked on the first two thirds for weeks. Wrote the whole thing in notebooks, edited it long-hand, edited it more while I was typing it up. The last third happened much quicker and was mostly written on a keyboard. I think the fact that I skipped steps in my own editing process hurt the quality. I don't dislike what I wrote, but I can see places where I could have spent more time, and this is one of them.
And now on to part two of the comment!
and part 2...
You have really handled the multiple emotions here in an *excellent* manner... we move swiftly through wistful depression to humor to flirting and sexy, and it could easily have felt jumpy and rough, but you take us through it seamlessly.
The sight of it was still erotic, but now the purpose was starting to press on Riley, the idea that he was opening Xander up so he could fuck him. Riley had to close his eyes.
I love this moment. And this:
"You're the best prize I ever won," Riley whispered into Xander's hair.
It's a little cheesy, but it's so.... oh, just love! Love the cheesy, utter sappiness of it, and it's warm like a sweater just out of the dryer, and just... awww! I want to squish them up and keep them in this moment in a little box on my desk.
I wish that the dreams hadn't been a new experience every time, because it gives it that formulaic, 'checking off each act' feel that some fics have, if you know what I mean? At the same time... I would hate to have lost seeing any of these moments, and I don't think you could have had another dream sex (repeating an act, so it's not a checklist) without it seeming gratuitous and messing up the excellent balance you otherwise have. So, once again, perhaps I'm impossible to completely please, but... yay, concrit and feedback? Oh, and yay for condom use! I'm not a stickler for it but I like seeing it.
Riley has gotten so comfortable with the dreams, and I understand his reluctance to end them when it comes to light. In many ways, it echoes his reluctance to end things with Buffy, and I agree with that, because (while it's not REAL real) he *is* in a loving relationship with dream Xander. In some ways, it must be an ever harder "break up" this time, because (aside from not being real) his relationship with dream Xander doesn't have the growing, unsolve-able problems that he and Buffy had.
And yet, there's never any question in my mind, because bottom line? It's the right thing to do. And once again, you paint my take on Riley perfectly, because while he *knows* that he's flawed and only human and bound to make mistakes, he tries so, so hard to always do the right thing the first time, every time. He's honest and caring and loyal and just... a *good* person, you know? Doing the best he can and beating himself up when he's not good enough. I just want to give him hugs and cocoa. And yeah, the magic explanation for the dreams worked for me and I liked his little moment of, "It was just an accident?" and can imagine the inner Riley pouting in disappointment, even if the outer Riley wouldn't.
The ending! How much do I love tentative, hopeful Xander asking if they can still be friends? And brave, asking-out Riley! Wow, this is just gleefully satisfying, you know? Hee! It's all the happy ending I could have wished for, and entertaining on top of that! Kinda schmoopy in the best of ways, and an excellent cap to the fic... I'm not left wanting at all.
Well, it's not, but it's better than my middle name.
Oh, Xander!
Xander tasted just like he remembered.
Oh, Riley!
You give me so much love for these two boys and this pairing, and especially for this story, and I thank you.
Re: and part 2...
It's a little cheesy, but it's so.... oh, just love! I sometimes look at my cheesy, fluffy nature and despair. I just like the 'Awww' moments. Since it can't be helped, I'm glad I sucked you in with me.
it gives it that formulaic, 'checking off each act' feel that some fics have, if you know what I mean? I do know what you mean. I have read stories that started out strong and intense, and then I just lost interest when they moved into a laundry list of sex acts. I hadn't considered that effect when writing this, though. Hmmmm. Good feedback, thanks. And I agree, yay for condoms!
He's honest and caring and loyal and just... a *good* person, you know? That's my Riley. And that's why I love him so much and hate the Riley-bashing. He's not perfect, but he knows that, and he tries anyway. I heartily endorse your hugs and cocoa. *shares the Riley love*
Thank you so much for taking the time to leave such detailed comments, especially since you had to fight the lj demons to do so. I appreciate the support and the concrit as much as I appreciate the fact that you cared enough to leave them.
clarification that you might not need...
I really like that Willow discovers what's been going on and forces Riley to face the fact that he is, in essense, spying on Xander and that the dreams have to stop. I love that it's not all soul-mate-y, that it's just something that happened that let him see Xander in another way, that their relationship will be a real one that will have disagreements and compromises and might not last forever.
The thing that I *don't* like so much is the "hey, we're gay and Willow & Tara are gay - we should have babies for each other!" Because having a baby for someone (or someone having your baby for themselves) is a really big deal and very tangled emotionally. In general, I find pregnancy/kids to be treated too lightly in fic, and I yearn to read something where Willow realizes she can't give up the baby she spent nine months carrying or Xander realizing that that's his *son* and wanting to be his dad, to be part of his life in a bigger way than just "Mommy's friend, Uncle Xander".
Apologies if you already knew what I meant... I don't mean to hit you over the head with it again, but I wasn't sure.
Re: clarification that you might not need...
But since I put none of that into the fic, I get why you would be bugged. :o)