Articulation 10/15

[allyndra]

Wherein there is planning and angst and schmoopiness.

By the third iteration of the problem and the prophecy, Xander had completely stopped listening. He was really and truly grateful that Willow and Hermione had come to work on the barrier idea, but he didn't think he could handle much more of their brainiac discussion about it. He used to feel the same way when Wills would talk about computer programs; Xander was more of a point and click kind of guy. Since this didn't seem like much of a point and click scenario, he just sat there and tried not to look too hopelessly lost.

 

Behind the 'Yes, I'm paying attention' facade he'd painstakingly constructed during countless literature classes and research sessions, Xander fretted about how this new emergency was going to affect his life. Cognitively he knew he was being silly, but emotionally, he felt he must have done something really bad in a past life in order for the PTBs to mess him around so much. Hence the fretting. His mind worried at the prophecy like a dog with a slipper, trying so tear it open and expose the possible repercussions.

 

Finally he couldn't sit there anymore. He pushed his chair back and leaned close to Willow. "Can I bum your notes later?" he whispered. She gave him a little smile.

 

"Just like high school. But you're doing your own homework, mister," she said with a mock glare. He placed a hand on her shoulder and gave it a small grateful squeeze. He looked over at Giles, Hermione, and Harry, who all seemed to be engrossed in a theoretical discussion about breakwaters. He shook his head and made a stealthy escape.

 

Once out of the room, Xander took a deep breath. He headed for the west wing of the building, where he had a crew installing shelves and cabinets today. As he got closer to the workmen, he began to relax. The sounds of sawing, hammering, and sanding washed over him, subconsciously reassuring. Construction made him feel better, like there was something in the world he knew about and had control over. Silently, he blessed Giles for giving him this opportunity. Liability restrictions would have made it difficult for a one-eyed construction worker to find a job, but here with the Council he was welcome. He smiled as a bit more tension drained out of him and stepped into an office to check on the crew working there.

 

A two man team was installing a long countertop when he stepped in Ranji and Paul looked up when their supervisor came in, but quickly returned to the task at hand. He watched approvingly as they worked, noting how well they cooperated. He stayed only a few moments before moving on to look in on the work in other offices. After he had made the rounds, he moved down the hall to inspect rooms where the installations had been completed. He stepped into a silent conference room and felt his worries crash back over him. He tried to stave them off by breathing in the scent of fresh paint and wood, running his fingers over the grain of the oak cupboards. No good. He let his head fall forward onto the door of an upper cabinet and clenched his eyes shut.

 

He stayed in that position for several minutes before he felt, rather than heard, someone else enter the room. Xander stood there, trying to rouse himself to lift his head and see who it was and failing. The person moved closer, and he felt a warm body press against his back and two strong arms encircle his waist. Harry.

 

***

 

Harry loved watching Hermione interacting with Willow. He had always known his friend was clever, but he hadn't appreciated quite how much she knew before now. Hermione rarely got to delve into research or discuss magic with someone equally intelligent, and her face practically glowed as she worked with the American witch. The two of them were talking rapidly, punctuating their comments with gestures and occasionally drawing diagrams. Harry smiled at their enthusiasm.

 

He had been a bit worried about how the two young women would get along. They had so much in common that he knew they would either loathe one another or get on brilliantly. He knew they would have put personal antagonism aside to help Harry and Xander, but he couldn't help thinking that this budding friendship was infinitely better than cold cooperation would have been.

 

The only other occupant in the room was Giles, who had left the discussion to pore over spellbooks. Xander had left several moments before. Harry had been concerned about his boyfriend, but Willow had given him a reassuring smile, so he'd let the other man go without a comment. However, when Xander hadn't reappeared after a few moments, Harry began watching the door for him, flicking his gaze up to the clock to track how long he'd been gone. After twenty minutes he was practically twitching with impatience. He looked at the others and determined that they would be fine without him for a while. Harry excused himself and set off to find his lover.

 

The wizard had only taken a few turns through the corridors before becoming completely lost. He was reminded of his first few days at Hogwarts, but at least here the staircases didn't move on him. Sighing, Harry drew his wand. He looked around to be sure he was unobserved, and cast a quick locating spell. As it pulled him along, he took the time to look around. He liked what he saw. The building was being rebuilt to be much more convenient and appropriate to the fight against evil than most office buildings. There were large reinforced windows high on the walls, casting sunlight throughout the interior. Every few meters, weapons were attached to the walls. Harry paused to examine them and found complex intent charms on the fastenings; evildoers would never be able to pull one down, but defenders could access the weapons easily.

 

Carrying on, Harry let his location spell tug him closer to Xander. Soon he was in a silent corridor with offices, libraries, and conference rooms on either side. The spell gave him a final nudge and then released him. Harry silently opened the door in front of him and looked in. Xander stood with his back to the door, his whole posture slumped and defeated. Harry moved closer, wanting to comfort his lover. He had no idea what to say, so he simply embraced Xander from behind, trying to show his concern and affection without words. He held on and waited for Xander to tell him what was wrong.

 

***

 

Xander pressed back against Harry, soaking in his warmth and his scent. He knew the younger man would be worried about him, and he opened his mouth to say everything was fine. He closed it without speaking. Xander was tired of pretending to be okay when he wasn't, of joking to cover his emotions. He wanted to share what he was feeling, and that was a scary proposition. He took some comfort in the fact that Harry couldn't see his face. With a deep breath, Xander began to speak.

 

"I'm scared. I'm not scared about the world ending or us having to build a magical ark to escape the power flood. I'm sure they'll figure out a defense. I'm just...I'm scared how this is going to affect us." Harry moved his hands from Xander's waist and began to stroke his back as he talked. "Sad confession time: my relationships are all doomed. When I get involved with someone...it's only a matter of time. Cordy caught me kissing Willow and fell through the floor. She had a piece of metal jutting through her stomach and she wouldn't even look at me. I lost my virginity to Faith, and when I went to talk her out of her plan to join up with the evil Mayor of doom, she tried to kill me. Anya and I were in love, and I left her at the altar because I was certain I would ruin her life. Spike and I fell in love in the middle of an apocalypse, and he died before I even told anyone about us."

 

Xander paused and took a shuddering breath. He focused on the warm breath by his ear and forced himself to go on. "You are...I never expected to find someone like you, Harry. You're beautiful and strong - and, okay, everyone I've dated has been beautiful and strong, but you're special. You're amazing. Things have been going so well, so *normal* that I've been waiting for something to screw it up. Probably something that starts with a 'Xan' and ends with a 'der.' So here's this prophecy staring me in the face, and I keep thinking this is it. And I don't want to lose you."

 

Xander felt Harry's hands on his shoulders, and he allowed himself to be turned to face the wizard. He lifted his somewhat soggy brown eye to meet Harry's bright green ones. He felt long smooth fingers cupping his face, and then Harry was kissing him. It was like a balm for the jagged part of him that had been exposed by his confession. When Harry released his lips, Xander managed to curve them into a small smile. He said, "If you want out now that you know my track record, I won't blame you. I might call you horrible names and cry in my ice cream, but I won't blame you." He tried to make it a joke, but a fine tremor of uncertainty in his voice made his fear apparent.

 

***

 

Harry traced a thumb along Xander's cheekbone and down to his jaw. He loved the roughness of the stubble there. "I don't want out, Xander," he said, trying to convey his sincerity with his eyes. "You've made mistakes in the past, but who hasn't done? That's not us, though; that's not now. I do understand about feeling doomed. Before you, I'd only really been with Draco. I loved him so much, but we always had to hide it, had to maintain his status as an evil git so he could spy in the war. But it wasn't enough. Hermione is entirely too observant, and she figured it out. She agreed to keep our secret - said she understood how important it was to have someone when times were so dark. She wasn't..." Now Harry's eyes were the ones filled with tears. Xander rubbed his arms and shoulders. "It wasn't her fault. Voldemort dragged the knowledge from her mind, and he killed my Draco. Because of me." Harry had a hard time forcing the words out. He'd never told anyone this before.

 

"So you see, I understand about feeling like loving someone is dangerous. My parents loved me and died. My godfather loved me and died. Headmaster Dumbledore kept me in the dark and tried to protect me, but he loved me like a grandfather. He's dead. And Draco. But I've felt what it's like to live without love, to have no connections. That's what it was like to live with the Dursley's, and I won't go back to it. It's frightening to find another prophecy about me, but it won't scare me away from loving you," Harry finished defiantly.

 

Xander stared at him for a moment. "You love me?" he asked in a small voice. "Really."

 

"Yes. I do." Harry flushed. He hadn't actually meant to say that aloud, but he'd meant it. He wouldn't take it back.

 

"I love you, too," Xander said wonderingly. Harry flashed him a blinding smile. Xander loved him! Suddenly the prophecy and the threat of a wave of power didn't seem so important. He wrapped his arms tightly around his lover, feeling safe and happy. Finally, he let go.

 

"We'd better get back to the others. I want to see what Hermione and Willow have planned." The two men wiped their faces and squared their shoulders, then left the quiet office, walking through the corridors of the Watcher's Council Headquarters with their fingers twined together.